Fear, Mortality antagonists to Confidence.

Im either slick or really know my shit, I can’t figure out which because the laziness is so strong. Do something, must do something, doooo it. People that have known me over the years seem to think I’m some smart guy, I look in the mirror and see some imposter. Lacking confidence to stick my mouth where it isn’t wanted is overwhelming. Even if its actually wanted or not I don’t know I never find out for fear of being unwilling for them to say no. Whats the best that can happen, and whats the worst that can happen? Are you willing to accept both? No? Then don’t do it. That mantra runs my life. And its way too damned safe. Works. its like a jail of analysis.

The odd thing that keeps happening is when I do step outside of that space, I succeed. I’ve only stepped outside of that space a handful of times (really for job interviews) went in with the mindset, “fuck it, im hot shit, you need me (they do)”. That adobe interview that I had in SF was the only one I’ve ever not received an offer from. The reason I get the urge to lash out at people is because I never do anything because I’m scared of the consequences. I understand myself, I just don’t know how to break these habits. I’ve tried cognitive behavior therapy, I’ve tried acceptance and commitment therapy. I’ve even tried Mindfulness based therapies at your behest. Theres just too much fear. I don’t know how you break that? I can accept it, but acceptance is only the first step. Can only take the second when the risk analysis passes muster.

I remember lying in bed as a young boy, thinking about death. The emptiness that it subsists of. Blackness, nothingness… a light goes out. I don’t know of this light people talk of, it’s only ever been emptiness and nothingness. I think when people say they see the light, it means they grasp on to it for surival. I fear the lights going out more than I can express.

I think I’m here because I saw that and NOPE’d the heck out of it as a baby. I dunno what happened in that OR but something did. I’m a fighter, but I can’t manage to fight because I’m scared of losing.